Haircut update

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The haircut/dinner started off good…. a little bit of wine as he began cutting my hair.  Shoulder length is what we were aiming for, with some choppy layers.  It ended up chin length and bit funky.   I don’t think it was the wine, as I was definitely drinking more than he was while he was cutting my hair, but what the heck?  Oh well, the good thing about hair is that it grows back.  And, I have had long hair for quite awhile now….

I am still in my slump.  I am just not in the mood for anything and am trying my best just to get through the day.  It is a horrible feeling and I don’t know how to shake it.  I was blaming the holidays, which always bug me, and the plumber, and the stress I am feeling about getting into the graduate school program that I want.  Now, I am convinced it is just one of those things that I need to live through and experience.  I think that it may be a little bit of post-divorce emotion that never got the chance to be expressed.  I have been so busy trying to make sure that my children were being taken care of and not feeling bad that I never allowed myself to work through some of the emotions that come along with a divorce.  I am not pining away for my ex, or the plumber for that matter.  I am grumpy, ornery, frustrated, and sad.

I realize that I am the one responsible for my own happiness.  I know that to truly appreciate all the fabulous in my life I need to experience some bad.  I know that this too shall pass…… hopefully sooner, rather than later.

~ All pleasures contain an element of sadness. ~  Jonathan  Eibeschutz

Steak & a trim

I get my haircut by a friend.

Yesterday I called him and asked when he could get me in for a haircut and he said sometime after Christmas! Agh! I need my haircut right now, not after Christmas. I have never, ever scheduled my appointments 6-8 weeks in advance, like my mom does. I call when I want a cut, and usually get in within the week.

‘So, I have a proposition for you?’

-yeah, I like the sounds of that.

“How ’bout if I fix you dinner and you come over to my house and cut my hair?’

-sure, but it will have to be after 8:00 or so….

‘Perfect.’

Steak, with a Jim-Beam-mustard sauce, salad, bread with warm goats cheese and some good wine.

AND, I get my haircut.

Sound perfect to me.

~ There is nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. ~ Fortune cookie

the messenger

Tonight I found out some troubling information that relates to the plumber and some of the other people that work with him.  After thinking about it for awhile I decided that I had to tell him.  And I did.  I called him, thinking that I would get his voicemail, and he answered.  Before I told him what I knew I made it clear that I couldn’t tell him how I learned the information, but that it was a trusted person.

I told him.

And, of course, he demanded that I tell him who had told me.

I couldn’t.

And now he is furious with me.

I am certain that if the roles were reversed, I would what to know sooner and not later.

~ Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ~   Evan Esar

Christmas, bah humbug

I spent all day yesterday decorating my house for Christmas. Christmas tree, lights, stockings, scented candles, and various other Christmasy knick-knacks are officially in place. As the day progressed I got more and more crabby. Plain and simple, I don’t like Christmas. AND, this year, when Christmas stuff started showing up in the stores before Halloween well, it has made me even grumpier, actually it has really pissed me off. I am not in the mood.

Merry Christmas.

~ If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we are going. ~  Professor Irwin Corey

Outside of me

I have been divorced for nearly 4 years. During those years my children have spent approximately one week with their father. Yes, maybe, seven days and nights. The rest of the time it has be up to me to take care of them. The truth is that initially, I did not want them to spend the night with him, and they didn’t seem to care one way or the other. If he asked, to see them or have them, I never have said no, however. This week it seems like the last 4ish years have piled themselves on my shoulders and I am feeling pretty weighted down by the pressure of successfully raising my children on my own, as well as everything I have been through in the last 4ish years.  It’s a lot!  I don’t think it is impossible, but it is hard being a single parent. Obviously, the rewards of being a mom are impossible to truly appreciate until you are right in the midst of it and then live through it. ‘This too shall pass’, really is true.

Spending the time that I did with the plumber introduced me to the world outside of being mom. He didn’t do any parenting, but I was allowed to be just me during the time he was here. Of course, I was still ‘mom’ but when we were together I was also just me for a bit. It was a different me than I am with my friends. It wasn’t a major difference, but there was some parts of me that I haven’t seen for a long, long time,  I liked introducing that part of me to the real world again. I really liked it. We watched movies, cooked, played games, and talked, among other things, and I was just an adult hanging out with a ‘hot’ male friend during those times. It was consistent and I had fun. The children were still here, and if they needed me I was there for them, naturally. But, the plumber usually came over after they were asleep and so I had my ‘me’ time with him . I am missing that more than actually missing the plumber himself, perhaps.

And, I could talk to him about parenting things and bounce my feelings off him. We actually didn’t agree on some of my parenting skills. He is adamant that I should not swear in front of my children, yet he had no problem with them finding him in my bed. He thought I should always turn the music down when in the car and at home too, and believed that I was a bit lenient on their long hair. I respected his opinion, and listened to what he had to say. And I was able to adapt, rather quickly, to his idea that it was ok for him to spend the night. My children are fine with it. In fact, they liked it when he was here in the mornings. I continued to crank up the tunes when he wasn’t around. I like my music loud. I let my children make their own decision regarding their hair. (Trust me I know that I have way bigger battles to fight in the upcoming years. ) I was still being the best mom I could be but I was discovering another part of me. The exploration was fun. I like having someone here to talk to about my day and/or life. I liked sharing me with someone else in that way that you do with a lover.
I hope I get the chance to do it again, with someone willing to go the distance, in the future.  And hopefully he will be just as ‘hot’ as the plumber. ;D

~ We may go to the moon, but that’s not very far. The greatest distance we have to cover still lies within us. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Survey says………

I have begun an very impromptu, informal survey.  All of my survey participants have been found down at my favorite dive bar……

Feel free to place your vote, espeically if you are a single hot male.

Would you date a single mom of three?

Could you fall in love with her?

Results thus far are unanimous

—NO.

~ Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get. ~ unknown

boys vs girls

It has been nearly a week now since the plumber and I decided to just be friends. Its hard, but not the end of the world. I was used to talking to him and having him come over and now that is gone. I miss it.

This morning I started to wonder something. I wonder what he is feeling and thinking. Does he miss me, and sometimes have the urge to call, just because? And now I am wondering if boys deal with their emotions a whole bunch different or just a little bit different than girls.

AND, I am thinking about this because I wonder what it will be like to be the mom when one of my children ends a relationship. Do you remember being in love when you were in high-school……it seems like there were a whole bunch of emotions flying around.

Any way, just wondering.

~ Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. ~ Victoria Holt

The End

The plumber and I decided to end our relationship last night. I am sad and disappointed, and it hurts. Last night we didn’t fight. We never did fight.  He said that he didn’t love me, and therefore he didn’t want to keep doing ‘us’. I am not sure if I love him, but I really enjoyed what we had. In the last 3 months he kept calling and wanting to come over and ended up spending most nights at my house. During that time I started to believe that we really did have a relationship and that we were falling in love. I am pretty sure he felt the same. We had so much fun together, every night. I told him that his behavior misled me and that I was really going to miss him. He said he was really going to miss me too, and that he had fun and enjoyed everything too.

I know that I can’t change how he feels, nor do I want to.

I know that it is ok to be hurting right now. And it does hurt.

I know that I will get through this.

But I want him to stay in my life. I love falling asleep with him and waking up next to him. I love cooking for him. I love talking with him and sharing my thoughts and feelings and getting his perspective. I love listening to him talk about his life, his thoughts, and his feelings. I love his mellow demeanor. I love the way he makes me feel inside and out.

I know part of the reason that he is done has to do with my children. They are young. Who in their right mind would want to be deeply involved with a single mom with that much responsiblity? I realized this the day that my ex and I split up– I knew that he would re-marry and that it would be dificult for me to even date. That is a really difficult aspect of being a single parent and it hurts a lot.

It was nice to be in a relationship as fulfilling as ours was and it saddens me that I don’t have it anymore. It makes me cry. I am glad that I had the time that I did with him.

~ Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. ~ Lewis Carroll

Now what?

I have completed 9ish weeks of school. I am loving it. This is the first time I have sat in a class and thought to myself– THIS is exactly what I want to do. AND, I don’t want the class to end so that I can keep learning.  BUT, to keep learning I have to pass the GRE.  The GRE tests you on stuff that you learned in high-school.  I graduated from high-school 20-some years ago.  I have forgotten everything— especially all the math things.

I am hopeful.

I am terrified.

I am going to do the best I can as a 40+ year old, single mother to more than one child, who works and is going to school and has recently added ‘the plumber’ to her list of regulars.  Once finals are over, I am going to study, while the children are in school, and then I am going to go take the damn GRE and see what happens.  In the mean time I shall do all the application stuff for grad school, and hope for the best.

I want to make this work.

~Realize that if you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it. ~  Anthony J. D’Angelo

the cable guy

My cable line was hanging really low over my driveway, so I asked ‘the plumber’ if I could just cut it and be rid of the whole thing since we are a cable free home. He thought I should call the cable company and have them remove it. Nuts. So, the other night on our way home from a walk with my children we saw a cable truck, with a cable guy, on the side of the road and I asked him what he thought. He told me he would come to my house and take care of it for me.

When he got to my house I walked out to thank him and he asked:

‘Why didn’t your husband just cut this down for you?’

Ummm, my husband lives with his other wife in another city.

‘Oh, I see. So, would you like to grab a bite or a beer sometime?’

~after much coaching from a dear friend I correctly responded with -

I have a boyfriend but thanks for asking.

Yep- I got asked out by the cable guy.

~When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV.~ Matt Groening